Read me.

I don't like being readable.

You come up with certain safe guards to throw people off. Some people make excuses, some just stay quiet. Some get so good at the double-persona that they can switch one off and the other on in an instant, creating the illusion everyone else sees to be the truth. It's when someone recognises the signs - your ability to elude situations, the sudden switch in topic of conversation - it's then that you're in jeopardy of being caught out.

As someone who doesn't trust easily, I like to think I've got pretty good at putting my 'safe guards' into action when I need to. I've often said, "Thank God I take Drama".

So, when my own little secrets where discovered recently by a very insightful friend, I began to think: to what extent are our own thoughts actually our own these days? People seem to feel that other people's thoughts belong to them, as if they deserve to know everything. This wasn't the case with my friend, but you know what I mean - those people who will stoop to anything to find out what you're really thinking. They'll trick you until you let that guard of yours down. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Never tell anyone anything you don't want everyone to know.

In other news, my sleeping pattern has been messed up due to the encouragement of a territorial coffee drinker. You know who you are.

That's it for today, I know, not much, but it's all I have in my think tank of issues. Although, before I go, I'll just remind you that I've been in Spain for the past month, and returning has given me a nasty cold. Typical.

Laters.

Soul Mates - just an idea?

I was having a conversation with my friend today (Ourania, that's you) and it started getting pretty deep, talking about soul mates and destiny and what-not.

Many people cannot answer the question, "do you believe in soul mates?" They either brush it off with an "I don't know", or explain that they like/dislike the idea of having a soul mate, usually followed by something like, "what if I never find them?" No one seems to be able to give a solid answer, which is probably due to the fact that there isn't one. However, I was pondering the thought of a soul mate and it crossed my mind that many people fall in and out of love more than once in their lives, with the operative word being out. I've seen it, and it doesn't always seem to me that the new love is stronger than the last... it's just that the old love isn't there anymore.

When people marry, they promise to love, honour and obey (and fill up the dishwasher once in a while) for as long as they both live. While this is a lovely idea, it's not like people take it seriously anymore. I don't know why people don't just move onto Handfasting instead these days, because then they would only have to promise to be a couple for as long as the love lasts.

So, while I was talking about people being in love and having 'the one', it occurred to me that everyone takes for granted that 'soul mates' have to be lovers. I don't see anything in the name that dictates that. Perhaps soul mates don't have to like each other at all, or even acknowledge each other. To me, soul mates means two souls that are drawn to each other for some reason. Maybe this just means these two people need to be in one another's lives at some point, to put them in the right direction, or to cause them to make a mistake which in turn will be for the best. Something like that. Who says they have to be in love at all?

I've said before that I believe everything happens for a reason, although I believe we do have choices of our own to make. In the case of soul mates, I just don't know. Have I met mine already? Can they really exist? I'm one of those 'I believe in the supernatural' types so... maybe I do believe in them. All I know is, when I was thinking about them today, I most definitely did not.

But hey, a girl can change her mind can't she?

I'd really like to know your thoughts.

I wish I had...

I've been thinking a lot today about endings. It started with my last day at Sixth Form, and ended with talks of death. It made me think about my ending. Morbid, I know, but it made me realise that there are so many things I'm doing wrong.

They say that right before you die, or when you think you're going to die, your life flashes before your eyes. But no one said it was the life you lived that you see projected onto the inside of your eyelids. Perhaps it's the things you want to do, or say, or see, that hit you. Not the things you've done right, but the things you never did at all.

How exactly are we supposed to live life? We tip-toe around subjects, avoid people, say that ignorance is bliss - but at the end of it all, there can only be regret. Regret that you never got to speak about that thing again, regret that you never said what you should have said - usually these non-things are due to other people being involved. You can't tell someone you love them because they're married. You can't mention the death of a loved-one because it causes too much hurt to others around you. It doesn't feel right, but it's the right thing to do. Is it, though?

People lie all the time. They lie with words, with smiles, with silence - all for protection. Protection of you, themseleves, other people. Maybe these lies are for the greater good, but it doesn't always feel that way. We are forever left with 'What Ifs'; they create an entire universe in our minds - the life we could have lived with the truth we could have told. But we can't do that. We can't do that because society tells us it's not the right thing.

I guess it's more about the middle of the story than the end. I just mean to say, if you were to stop -just, end - would you be happy with how things are? Or... are you finding yourself thinking about the people, the places, the non-things?

So the question remains - what are you supposed to do about the non-things? Is it really better to live in a world of what-ifs, rather than in one in which you have answers? After all, when the credits stop... you don't get a re-run.