Things aren't always what they seem.

I would first like to talk about false promises. For example, I once wrote that I would make links to videos a regular feature in my blog posts. One time I forgot and well, the rest as they say is history. Now I know what you're thinking; "That's hardly a promise, is it?" and you're quite right, but a sentence does not need to begin with 'I promise' or end with 'I give you my word' for the people in the exchange to understand that what is being said should be meant - a binding contract of words. Therefore, when a person tells you that they would never do anything to hurt you, one would expect this to remain true. When it does not, you question why you decided to keep up your end of the bargain, if it was not being well kept on the other end. Yes dear readers, I am of course talking about the seemingly inevitable ending of friendships.

Now, while I do hope that some friendships last a life time, the past year has taught me that I would be a fool to hold such hope - mainly because for them to last a life time, they would have had to have been established at the very beginning of one's life. I do, as a matter of fact, have a friend like this. I have known her my entire life, minus five days or so. It was not until we were teenagers that we ever argued about anything important, and even then I am happy to say that we got over it. I wonder how long we will remain friends, as I know that University life and living further apart than we used to has caused us to drift apart. I still regard her as one of my best and longest friends, but I worry that this won't last forever. I never thought it possible, that a friendship as unbreakable as ours could waver, but as I said, the past year has introduced me to some nasty facts of life.

False promises is where I started, and I will try not to go off on a tangent too much. To me, when going into a friendship, one is silently promising to care for another person. Sometimes this promise is verbal, which makes it even more painful when the promise seems to have been meaningless to the other person involved. My friend put it very well today when she said, "It's like, you go out of your way to be a good friend, and people still screw you over". I don't want to be regarded as a doormat but seriously, I am shocked at how selfish people can be. It wasn't until recently that I realised just how many people I know will say and do anything, no matter who it hurts, as long as they're better off afterwards. Are they really better off though? I may have a limited amount of people who I would regard as true friends, but I wouldn't want to swap my life with someone who has countless 'friends', but cheats people to get what they want.

I am currently debating whether or not to confront someone who broke a promise. I wonder if it was even a promise to them to begin with, or just empty words combined to give the impression that they were a good person. I can't decide if I can go on pretending I'm not affected, but worry that confrontation will result in the end of the friendship. Then again, I wonder if I'd be mourning a friendship that is already gone. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that a different one, a meaningless one, has taken its place. That's the trouble you see, we often want to recreate 'the old times' or 'the good times', but really we should be mourning them because people have changed so drastically that there's no way those times could ever exist again. I also often feel saddened after losing a friend - they're still there, but I don't recognise them.

It's a hard concept to wrap your head around, people changing. It's an uncanny feeling when you someone looks the same, yet for some reason you can't recognise them. You feel as though someone has stolen them, and you don't like that someone. Or maybe you do; I don't know. For the sake of this post, let's say you don't. You feel like this imposter could not possibly be your friend, and if their fingerprints were to be tested right now, your suspicions would be correct. It's also a horrible feeling. I know this may sound overly dramatic to some of you, but it feels as though the person your friend used to be has died. Not only have they died, but someone nasty/vindictive/rude/uncaring/'insert trait here' is living on as them, giving the previous person who inhabited that body a bad name. It also takes a long time to realise someone has changed so drastically, especially when you see them everyday. I guess one day you just realise that you knew it all along, but you couldn't bring yourself to accept it. You were holding onto something that wasn't there anymore.

As I move from Sixth From and on to University, it does sadden me that things have ended in a way I never imagined they would. However, I'm still excited. I'm looking forward to the fresh start, and am happy knowing that I am only taking the good parts of the past with me. You can leave the airport with hundreds of identical silly trinkets for people you know, or you can leave with individual, special gifts for the people you love. Personally, I prefer the latter.

Before I finish I'd like to give a shout out to my brother Jack Taylor, who has just started a blog of his own. Read it here: http://thethoughtsthatcometolife.blogspot.com/

Peace,
Tails.

The Unknown.

Picture this: you're in an elevator (for the purpose of this post, 'elevator' will now be known as 'lift') and you're going up. There are a few other people in the lift; they're chatting, humming something they heard on the radio, or watching the numbers increase above the lift doors as you feel yourself ascending to the floors above. You're also watching the numbers change, but not out of boredom. You don't feel right. Something's unnerving you and the only thing that can offer you any comfort is to watch the numbers, knowing you're getting closer and closer to getting to your floor, and getting the hell out of that lift.

Relief. The lift stops at your floor. Just as you take a step forward and wait for the doors to open, the floor shudders... the lift drops - one, two, three floors pass at speeds you didn't think possible. Further and further you fall, not knowing what fate will await you at the bottom.

Can you imagine having a dream like this every time something big is about to happen in your life?

It all started during GCSEs. I couldn't understand why I was having the same dream every night, for weeks. Eventually, the dream changed slightly. Now when I get in the lift, I know it's going to fall - but I still get in anyway. I always wake up before I hit the ground, but I do always wake up in a state of panic. When the dreams first started I'd have two or three a night, and so never wanted to go to sleep.

Now I've realised that the dreams are mirroring my uncertainty in life. Which is fine, because now they make sense (although I still get freaked out going in lifts). What I find interesting though, is how the dream has changed. I often wouldn't do something I wasn't sure about a few years ago, but I think that nowadays I view uncertainty as a challenge, and know that what ever will happen will happen for a reason. When I get in the lift in my dreams, I know the lift will fall. When I walk into the unknown in real life, I know there will be ups and downs (no pun intended, and I'm not trying to make my dream literal).

During the recent A Level results, pretty much every one of us was walking into the unknown. Even A* students didn't get into universities they wanted to go to, and so for once, everyone was on a level playing field. If it hadn't of been for the circumstances, the equality of it all would probably have been a very nice thing indeed. On my way into school, each person I spoke too was unhappy with their results, and hadn't got into the university they had hoped to get into. You can imagine how distressing that news is when a) these people are good friends of yours and b) you haven't got your own results yet and so automatically assume the worst. However, I walked into that lift and thankfully, I got out on the level I was heading for.

Now there's the whole worry of going to university. It's a daunting concept considering I've been educated at the same place for the past seven years, with the same people. Luckily for me a couple of people are making the next step by my side, so at least I'm not alone in the lift. At least if it falls, I have other people to scream with. I continue to ask myself if I've made the right decision, if the course will be right for me, if university is right for me... but I guess we won't know the answers for a while yet.

Okay, I'm going to change the subject.

I recently finished reading 'We' by Yevgeny Zamyatin. It was written in 1921 Russia, and is a fascinating insight into Zamyatin's thoughts and (I can only assume) own experiences during the Russain Revolution and World War I. Depending on your personal view of society (and the world, really) the novel could be interpreted as either Utopian or Dystopian. The attitude D-503 (the protagonist) has towards the way society works in the book is actually quite refreshing, and poses many questions as to whether or not individualism is really as idyllic as society believes it to be. There were a few lulls in the book as I found it to have "I'll tell you tomorrow" syndrome quite often, but it was a good read and I recommend it. The ending is especially interesting, and reminds you that although you may have been drawn into D-503's world, the book is really a reflection of the time it was written in.

Just a thought: what would happen if everyone who wanted a baby had to take a personality test first, to see if they were eligible to raise a human being?

Adios,
Tails.